Into The Nothing
by Nova Halthano
Summary: Katniss just wants to...feel. Johanna is full of feelings and isn't afraid to show it. This story takes places during Catching Fire while the Tributes are still in the Capital. The last chapter (which has not been posted yet) takes place at the end of Mockingjay Part 1.
1. Nothing

_***Author's note: This story was written to fall within the timelines presented by the movies Catching Fire and Mockingjay Part 1. The first chapter takes place while the Tributes are still in training and have yet to do their individual assessments. **_

**Chapter 1: Nothing**

Katniss glared ahead in frustration. It was a sick joke to be kept waiting for so long. The Capital was prolonging their torture all because there was still money to be made. The 75th Annual Hunger Games had generated more excitement than ever with the results of last year fresh in people's minds. Every day was the same. There was little point in practicing since everyone knew everyone's fighting routine by now. Yet, the Tributes around her insisted on wasting their strength. The announcement came on that training time was up and all were to return to their rooms. Now she could go back and sit through another dinner with Peeta, Haymitch, and Effie. The other Tributes were practically running past her or maybe she was dragging her feet. If she arrived at the loft too early, the traumatizing sight of Haymitch and Effie fucking would ignite her nightmares all over again. She tried to tell herself it was gross and inappropriate at a time like this. The raw passion of two people breaking away from the troubles of the world was something that could be envied. The thing was...she didn't have time to feel such things. She couldn't let herself feel that way about anyone. But truthfully? She didn't feel. She didn't feel anything towards Gale, towards Peeta. She hated having to force these feelings in those moments when they should have been coming naturally. When Gale would try to kiss her out in the woods, she would let him. He never seemed to notice her lack of enthusiasm. But they were supposed to be hunting. Their families needed food. They always needed something. It served as an excuse but a pretty valid one. There would never be a good time and she never felt sad about it. When the arrow tip left her fingers, that's when she would feel excited. Then he would try to hold her hand on the hike back and the numbness would take over.

A few weeks ago, Peeta had tried to make the moves on her. They were lying in his bed, sometimes even laughing about old memories. He rolled over on his side and looked at her for a long time. Maybe it would have been better to be taken by surprise. When he finally leaned in, all she felt was a sick knot in her stomach. They broke apart with nervous laughs.

"Maybe...we could try it."

Katniss just looked at him and he tried to hold her gaze.

"Try what, Peeta?"

Silence. He couldn't even say it. He was too timid although he had made his feelings for her known. It didn't matter. Save it for the cameras. She was already dreading this fabricated act they would have to put on in the Arena.

"Just...don't you feel lonely sometimes? Like you just want to be close to another person? Even just emotionally? It would be nice to just feel something else for once." He resumed lying on his back and let out a sigh.

She could feel the tension. This was more than just about their "romance". Even nice boys get horny. But she couldn't indulge. She just couldn't because she didn't feel anything.

Back at the loft, she was mildly surprised to not see anyone. It seemed quiet until she passed the common room. Haymitch and Effie were there after all but this time they actually had the decency to keep it in his room. She could hear Effie's moans of pleasure and Haymitch's grunts with every thrust. She lingered for a moment. Maybe even a little disappointed that she was on the outside. She closed her eyes and tried to imagine that it was her and…well, that was the problem. There was no one she could imagine herself with. No one that could make her feel. As she made her way to her room, she kept thinking about it. Maybe if she could just masturbate, it would jumpstart feelings of lust that she could then direct towards someone. She sat down on her bed and started to peel her jumpsuit off. It still smelled clean after that sorry excuse of a workout. The slow caress of her fingertips against her own skin just made her feel that familiar feeling. The one where she shuts down and waits for the moment to be over. With that, she proceeded to rip the rest of the suit off and fling it across the room followed by her undergarments. The comforter went over her head and she drifted into that black void called a dreamless sleep.


	2. Faded and Weary

**Chapter 2: Faded and Weary**

The next morning Katniss woke up feeling even shittier. Of course, she never _wanted_ to get up and practice in the Tribute Center. But it had become a routine. An expectation. Just like everything else in her life. She tried not to think of it too much. She loved her family and never complained about having to provide for them since her father died. The bitterness was there but that was only towards her mother for checking out on them. _Gale is taking care of them now. _The thought comforted her. That and the fact that they were now living in the Victor's Village. This whole thing would have worked out pretty well if she hadn't been reaped again.

She walked out to the dining area to see Peeta, Haymitch, and Effie already eating. Peeta was trying to persuade Haymitch and Effie to get along since they were bickering as usually. _If only he knew. _She hadn't shared the extent of their relationship with Peeta because they probably didn't even think Katniss knew herself.

"Good morning dear! Katniss! Are you running out on us already?"

Effie's loud voice cut across the room. She wasn't trying to sneak out or anything but she really wasn't in the mood either.

"Hey guys. Um, yeah. I thought I would just head out to training. Work on my alliances." Katniss tried to sound convincing but Haymitch's look already told her she was failing.

Peeta didn't even look up from his eggs. "Have fun! I'll be over in a bit."

"That's a joke right?" Katniss retorted a little too sharply than intended. Now she had his attention and everyone was staring at her.

"He didn't mean it that way Katniss," Haymitch said playing the moderator.

"I know. I'm sorry. I'll see you all later." Before anyone could say anything else, she disappeared into the next room and out the door. She practically ran down the hall and into the elevator. The level button was hit a little harder than necessary but she had to take it out on something. She crossed her arms and exhaled, leaning against the glass. Suddenly, fingertips shot out from the other side of the door making it re-open. It was Johanna Mason. The last time they were in an elevator together…well, it was awkward. Johanna had that smirky look on her face as she entered and leaned on the wall opposite of Katniss.

"Someone's out early today." Johanna said even though Katniss had tried to give off her 'I don't want to have a conversation' face.

"How would you know?"

"Because I'm always here at this time and you aren't?"

Katniss looked out at the city as the elevator started to move. Johanna was such a smart ass but she always spoke her mind as made evident during her many outbursts. But apparently, she wanted a conversation regardless of the level of participation coming from Katniss. Katniss looked up so seriously that Johanna's smirk faded. The moment of silence was quickly over when the elevator dinged and Katniss shot out of there like they had been fighting. Johanna waited a few seconds before exiting just to put some distance between them. She used humor and snarkyness as way of dealing but Katniss saw right through that. It made her feel…vulnerable, which was a feeling she hated.

Katniss entered the training room and when straight for the shooting simulator. At least no one was there yet so she wouldn't have to hold back. Well, no one except for Johanna. She picked up the bow and hit the START button. The settings were the same as she last left them since no one else used the simulator. The bodies started to form and advance. She pulled an arrow of out the holder and released. She missed. The second arrow hit the below the knee. Another one was coming from the top. The arrow whizzed past the shoulder offsetting the balance but it was ultimately the fall that shattered the target. The third target came down the middle. Headshot. Another from the left side. Headshot. Two emerged from opposite top sides. One arrow hit the shoulder. The other…missed. She quickly lowered the bow and turned the simulator off before the target could reach her. She felt terrible and for once she wasn't going to brush it off. She wasn't going to resist the feelings of rebellion that have always been inside her. She hated this. Her fists were clenched and her breathing was so heavy. She thought she was going to finally have a mental meltdown like her mother. Then, a strange calmness came over when out of the corner of her eye she saw Johanna approaching. She leaned against the door frame, arms crossed, just watching. Katniss reached out and hit the START button. This time. Headshot. Every single one.


	3. Strangely Dislikable

**Chapter 3: Strangely Dislikable**

A small smile flashed across her face. This was her strength. She couldn't let feeling down interfere with her concentration. In the Games, there was no time for a warm-up. Usually, she didn't even need one but today she felt like she just couldn't focus. She stole a glance to the side to see if Johanna was still there. She wasn't. The small pang of disappointment made her feel guilty that she had even wanted Johanna to watch in the first place. She quickly shrugged it off. This wasn't supposed to be a performance anyways. There were enough of those going around. She put her weapons down and began to wander around the center. She looked up at the balcony where Beetee and Wiress had told her about the electromagnetic force field a few days ago. It was off. She scoffed to herself. It was something that someone had to activate, possibly depending on who was even up there. Even the Capital had its own people who were considered not worth protecting. Or maybe they were just trying to save electricity. She kept walking around, looking at the evidence left about by the other Tributes from the previous day. Mags' fishhooks. The knives still embedded in the targets by Cashmere and Gloss. Peeta's paintings. Everyday, they did the same things. No one ever tried to master something new. Katniss was the only one who ever showed an interest in learning a new skill but only if the Tribute was open to it of course. She heard the main door open and voices emerging in quiet conversation. The rest of the Tributes were arriving for daily training. It was going to be a long day.

The almost undetectable sound of the force field whizzing on caused Katniss to look up in surprise. Plutarch looked down on her, with an even more shocked expression. Then it slowly turned into a smile as his thumb dropped from the control panel. She was much more observant than she let on and he was counting on that.

"What are you looking at?"

Katniss quickly looked down and turned away from the balcony.

"Nothing."

"You know Katniss, you're a terrible liar. So, why do you even bother?"

"Why are you always asking these questions that you know I'm probably not going to answer?"

Katniss walked over to the fishhook table. Standing in one place, doing nothing, made her feel so uncomfortable. And yes, talking fell into that category. Maybe that's why every time Gale wanted to talk, Katniss reflexively suggested they go hunting. There was still talking but just…less of it. She reached for a J hook and began fumbling with a wire. To her surprise, Johanna was still right there next her and reached for a circle hook.

"Maybe because…one day…I'm hoping you will answer me."

"Why is that important to you?"

"You just…"

Johanna's voice faded so Katniss glanced over to the side. Johanna's fishhook actually resembled something that could be used. Johanna looked up and their eyes met for a brief second.

"You seem like someone I would want to get to know."

Katniss felt like she was staring now but she couldn't help it. Johanna scoffed and tossed her fishhook back into a pile of half made hooks. She walked away and Katniss went back to fumbling with her hook. She was trying to wrap her head around the fact that anyone would want to know her. What was there to know?

Johanna made her way back to the axe station and proceeded to sharpen a blade that she had just re-sharpened the day before. She knew she wasn't here to make friends. Allies, yes. Friends, no. She wasn't completely sure where she wanted Katniss to fit in but the words of Haymitch were running through her head. _I don't know how you plan on fulfilling your agreement in the Games, but let me warn you. She is strangely dislikable._


	4. Screaming on the Inside

**Chapter 4: Screaming on the Inside**

The next day was a "day off". Not that the Capital cared about the restfulness of the Tributes but rather there was no one available to supervise them as all the important people were at Snow's mansion. This seemed to occur at least once during the last games and then it was only a few days until the announcement was made for the official starting date. Katniss hoped this meeting was related to establishing a date so they could get on with it already.

There is a strange phenomenon that occurs when you spend too much time with the same people. Attachments start to form and you forget why you're all there. You forget what you'll have to do to them in order to stay alive. Of course, even at the start, Katniss knew who her allies were. Peeta, Beetee, Wiress, Mags…the odds were not looking to be in her favor. Thankfully, she never looked at the odds. The focus was on what had to be done. Stay alive. Protect the allies. Let the others kill. Maybe it would all be okay in the end. Just like last time. Except here she was. Again.

_"__Are you coming to the train station?"_

_"__Think you have enough people saying good-bye without me there."_

_"__Only a few I actually care about."_

_"__It might be easier if I didn't."_

_Katniss looked down at the dirty puddles of water surrounding her cold feet. She did care for him. Maybe not in the way he wanted but what was the use in saying otherwise. There was little point in hurting him now. After this, he was going back down into the mines and she would be with Peeta on the tour. There was no energy to waste in assurance. Yet, the words kept coming._

_"__It's only a few weeks. I'll be back before the snow melts."_

_Gale looked behind him and started to shift nervously._

_"__Yeah? A lot can happen in a few weeks."_

_"__Are we going to do this again? Gale…it was an act."_

_"__Yeah, it was a good one."_

_"__I did what I had to do to survive. If I didn't, I'd be dead."_

_Before she could react, she felt his hands on the sides of her head. Their lips met in a dry kiss that left her cringing on the inside._

_"__I had to do that. At least once."_

_Then he left. She wanted him to know it was an act. Not to give him hope but to establish that she didn't feel that way towards Peeta. Maybe not even towards anyone. She couldn't give Gale what he wanted. She didn't know how._

The shades began to rise as the time showed 7 am. It was supposed to allow a soft light in that was enough to gently wake the inhabitant. Katniss groaned, still half asleep, and rolled onto her stomach. With her head buried in the pillow, the dream state quickly returned. The scene was an earlier one. Before the kiss. They had been out in the woods. When she released her arrow and it hit Marvel, it was like she was in the Games all over again. She couldn't breathe and fell back against the tree.

"It's ok. I'm here."

The voice was soft and sincere. Katniss opened her eyes. But it wasn't Gale.

"But, you weren't _there_. You…"

"I will be there. This time."

Katniss looked up and their eyes met. Johanna placed her hand on Katniss' shoulder.

"I've been exactly where you are and maybe I'm still there."

She felt Johanna's hands slowly move up the sides of her head. Her right thumb brushing Katniss' cheek. There was time to react but she couldn't move. Deep inside, there was a scream building up and not because she wanted to say no or try to stop what she felt was coming next. _Make me feel something! Anything!_

Her eyes closed right as Johanna's face came close enough to feel the emitting warmth of her skin. Johanna's lips were soft and wet as they gently closed around her own. Their bodies pressed closer together as Johanna moved to straddle her. Katniss leaned forward to wrap her arms around her and pull her closer but there was no one. The light seemed so much harsher now when she realized she had her arms wrapped around herself. Groggily, she rolled over to look at the time. 7:08 am.


End file.
